Shitzen crappen!

Today is sort of funky.  I had a total crisis this morning when I went to the bathroom. My sugars dropped down to the floor.  It was so weird, like I was trying to slide into unconsciousness and I couldn’t see and I was really scared.  Chris made me too glasses of sugar water (warm and yuck) and then gave me two pieces of bread which really helped and I went back to bed and then when I got up, my eyes were still weird for hours with big black blobs in them.  He got some gas from Chucky so he could get to the station and then got some pop and that finally got it all sorted, but I don’t want to ever do that again.  Of course that has kind of screwed my whole day or skewed or something.  I am depressed and wanting the past. I hate that because of course you can’t have the past, it’s gone. It’s the kind of day that would’ve found me under a table or in a closet a few years ago.  I miss small spaces sometimes. Everyone thinks I’m full of shit wanting a small house for me, but they don”t really know me.  I always dreamed of having a one room flat or house.  That’s what was where the in thing when I was growing up. I guess you always want what you thought was great back when you were a kid.

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Tomorrow I have to call a psychologist and try to set up appointment and it’s like, why? Why the fuck can’t people ever accept what I am? So I’m depressed, so I’m moody. Who the hell wants to be Mary Poppins? The world has enough of those bitches. All I hear is how I’m wrong or not good enough and it’s why? If I want to kill me but don’t and i want to paint the world black and I don’t, what’s the problem? Maybe I feel unloved cos no one ever says I do anything right, just what I do wrong. Okay, maybe Jo has a point. Maybe I haven’t been supportive enough to her and maybe I haven’t expressed my gratitude to her enough. Yeah she has been there for me and there were times when I was not for her. I was ill then. I don’t know. I look over my life and I should’ve been a better person. I did a lot of right things for all the wrong reasons. I don’t think I’ve ever given anything unselfishly. I think I’m going to die and go to hell and I don’t know how to change that. Especially now. I don’t drive and Chris won’t take me anywhere and Churches are such a waste of time. Most of them don’t really believe in God anymore and I’m too scared to leave the house anyway. I need to do something.

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Where is America??

What have we, as Americans, got to be so damn proud of?  We spend our resources and blood making war on the rest of the world, brainwashing our youth to believe they are serving their country when in truth they are serving big business.  We go to war to make money for them by opening up these places to our companies and by turning them into “Little Americas”, putting in governments that will do our bidding. We spend our tax money on rebuilding them and setting up an infrastructure superior to our own and in the end, when we finally leave after years, they revert to their own ways and settle everything with the blood bath we supposedly stayed to prevent.  Our country would be better served if our soldiers marched to Washington and throw the frauds and liars out.

We spend billions on hopeless, useless wars while in our own country many of our citizens live on the streets, sleeping under bridges and in abandoned buildings, eating out of dumpsters and being beset by authorities and fellow citizens alike.  In early 2007, the National Alliance to End Homelessness reported a point-in-time estimate of 744,313 people experiencing homelessness in January 2005, 39% of them being children.  In a period between  1991 and 1997 homeless more than doubled and is still rising with the current economic crisis and foreclosures.

Our constantly diminishing social programs are overloaded by healthy people who are on there simply because their parents were on it, while people who really need these services can’t get them.  Disability is one case in point.  There are people on it with “mental” problems who really have nothing wrong with them, they’re just too ignorant to be able to get a job, so the government shoves them on this program while people with serious disabilities are turned down.  Take the case of a man who lost both his eyeballs (not just his sight, but the actual eyeballs themselves) and was turned down because “it was a temporary condition”.  There are thousands of stories of truly ill people who wait years trying to get, meanwhile they have no income and left with the charity of friends or family to sustain them.  If they have no support system, they are left to the streets and the dumpsters once again.I’m not saying mental issues aren’t a disabling condition, if you actually have them, but social programs often use that as an excuse to get unemployable stupid ignorant dope heads (and before you say anything, I personally know several) just to give them an income.If you want to give them an income fine, but call it what it is and stop pulling it out of disability.

Another almost nonexistent program is health care.  There’s Medicaid if you can qualify and Medicare if you’re 65 but you have to pay a deductible, which if you’re on social security you can hardly afford.  Thousands of  lower (I’d add middle-class, but we all know they don’t exist in this country anymore) citizens struggle with devastating illnesses and they can’t afford health care or medications.  They can barely afford to survive, but they are left to drown in medical bills they can never pay while their conditions steadily worsen.  More than 50 million Americans are now without health insurance, according to a report from the Kaiser Foundation. Overall, nearly one in five non-elderly adults (19 percent) was uninsured in 2009.

Our education system was once a shining crown of success that other countries strove to duplicate.   According to the Broad Education Foundation America ranks  number 21st in  students graduating from high school.  In 1946 we ranked 1st. 70 percent of our eighth  graders are not proficient in reading and most of them will never catch up. Today, we have dropped to number 21 among industrial nations.  American students rank 25th in Math and 21st in science compared to 30 other industrialized nations.  While America spends more and more money on education we are losing more students. 1.1 million dropout every year while 2/3 of jobs require college now.  44% of dropouts are jobless.

We keep our jails and prisons well stocked.  In crime  the only countries the US has a lower crime rate than is Russia, Venezuela, Jamaica, and Columbia.  In the civilized world the US has a rate of 5.4, the next highest being Canada at 1.9.  We have the highest rate of incarceration in the world, with even China being a second to the US. As of 2006, a record 7 million people were behind bars, on probation or on parole. The United States has 5% of the world population and 25% of the world’s incarcerated population. And before anyone thinks I am touting gun control — I’m not.  We’ve always had guns but not a crime rate like this.  What’s lacking is respect, honor and discipline.  Our youth have been ignored, undisciplined and allowed to run wild because we have insanely allowed  psychiatrists to become our “experts” in raising our children.  It’s a backlash from child abuse gone amok.   Nothing, including abortion, has ended child abuse.  In fact it’s risen as spoiled, self-centered children now become parents.

Our own government spies on us, tracks us on cell phones, they  have the right to go through our library lists to see what we read, they can search our homes without a warrant, even if we’re not home.  They can park in the street with vans and track what we say and even where we are in our homes with heat sensors and special microphones.  They have spy satellites trained on our cities that can follow individuals; they can track what we look for on our computers and what we buy from store records.  Think they’re only doing this to criminals?  Think again.

This country is run by corporations and special interests who make our policies by buying our politicians, body soul and vote.  These are the same businesses whose CEOs make billions every year while moving their jobs to foreign nations where they can pay their employees 50 cents an hour.  Our cities crumble, our leaders are corrupt, our system is run on greed and our so called “Christian” nation has a heart of stone.  So next time you wave those stars and stripes  or recite the pledge of allegiance, give some thought to what you are saluting.  It sure as hell isn’t the country your forefather’s fought for.  It isn’t the country you were promised as a kid and grew up believing in.  I don’t know where we are, but it isn’t America.

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Nothing Much

It’s a winter wonderland out there, lol.  20 inches, so I’ve heard.  Unheard of here in southern Missouri, I think we’ve set a record.  I  love it, but it came on Tuesday, and we were supposed to go to Springfield Wednesday and Thursday.  Guess who didn’t go, lol.  We were buried under in the parking lot.  They came with a scraper blade Thursday night and dug us out.

I was disappointed.  I sent notice I was on WordPress and the link to some friends.  Two cared enough to subscribe.  I guess that’s the way it is, though.  I read yours, you don’t read mine.

I have officially abandoned MySpace now.  No one but Martin left there that I care about.  Funny cos he was the first to suggest we all leave and yet he is the only one still clinging on.  I will miss him.  I’m on Friendburst if anyone cares.

hit a wrong button here, but I guess it’s all right.  I have trouble learning to use all these new ones and I have been through a bunch of social networks trying to find something I liked.

I’m also sort of on Myboomerplace.  I check it if anyone sends me a comment and comment back, but that is about it.  I put too many pictures on it and it tends to freeze my computer up, lol.  I can’t find where to edit it to take some off so will have to have Jo help me sometime.  She is always so buried under I hate to ask her anymore.

Sunrise Avenue has their new album finished.  Out of Style.  I can’t wait to get a copy.  They released their first single off it and I have listened to that.  Love it, as always. They are very talented and Samu is so sexy, lol.

Well, that’s all that’s new in my life.  How about you?

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Obviously this is my first post on WordPress and hopefully there will be someone to read it, lol.

I’ve been busy hunting down Samu Haber ans Sunrise Avenue sites, lol.  I’m too late to be his friend on FaceBook.  It says there are already too many friends :(.  I spent hours getting pictures off it though.  He is so adorable.  He has the face of an angel, the voice of a choir boy and is a total horn dog, lol.

hot and sexy

Here we are deep in the darkness
Wearing midnight air
You close your eyes and feel my breath
Embracing through your hair

By the bed, the silver moon on you
Makes me fade away into the blue
It’s you and I. We leave the world behind

Into the blue…

Only you can hear my whispers
Filled with velvet dreams
The thousand words are floating in the room
Like wondrous streams

By the hand you take me through the night
We flow across the sky and taste the light
It’s you and I. We leave the world behind

Into the blue we rise, into the blue
Into the silence, we stay the whole night there

The dawning day undresses us
With golden rays of light
Here we are, a pair of hearts
Feeling complete inside

Right here the whole eternity
Is smiling all the way for you and me
It’s you and I. We leave the world behind

Into the blue we rise, into the blue
Into the silence we stay the whole night there
Into the blue we’re rising, into the blue
Into the silence, we stay the whole night there

Right here the whole eternity
Is smiling all the way for you and me
Just you and I. We leave the world behind

Check them out at

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