Walnuts and other things

I am eating walnuts. They look like brains, so the health Nazis say, because they are good for your brain. I think I should give my brain all the help it can get.
Speaking of brains I am feeling a tad bit odd today. Half of me is manic and the other half is totally depressed. I feel like bouncing off the walls, but beating my head in them while I’m there.
I need to start working on my book cover for my new book, which is now more than half done. Can we do a little dance and yell yay?? They’re all free that I write, but let’s face it, I write them for me. They are not work, they are parts of my heart and soul and dreams. I want to share them with people I will never know. Maybe they will find in one something that touches their hearts or gives them something to dream about.
My latest dream involves an island (most probably) governed by goat herders who don’t give a damn, with frequent rain and snow and moderate (by that I mean 30’s to 60’s Fahrenheit). Damn I spelled that right. Give me a cookie! If I were young and capable or had a fellow-adventurer along, I would build a cob tiny house with a fireplace I could read in front of or fall asleep watching while I listened to the wind blowing around outside. At my age I find I truly need little. Some books to read, some quiet, I admit food to eat. I don’t care about a house anymore. As long as there’s a roof and some walls. Maybe at my age I’m letting go of things I know I won’t be taking with me. Someday the journey will just be me, alone, hopefully with God, as empty handed as I was when I came into this world. People spend so much time trying to get so much that means nothing in the end. Well, enough of this.
Listening to videos of the ocean waves. I wish I could see them someday. Run through the sand. Yeah, okay maybe wobble through the sand, lol.
What I truly need I think is a partner in crime. Someone who wants to do strange things, go weird places and doesn’t mind the fact I can’t walk much. They want to spend time because they really think I’m interesting and funny and they can rise above my undercurrent of sadness and guilt. Can see through my pessimissim enough to realize I’m really an optimist and I keep thinking things will go right in spite of the fact they never seem to. Who isn’t always disappointed or out of patience with me. Maybe someone who can make me feel alive and I can give them back the same. It doesn’t look probable. I will fade and go into the west, lol.
Well, I know there was something I needed to do, but no idea what, so I have finished my walnuts and my brain is no better, lol.

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And I fall apart under pressure

“We all feel fucked up sometimes”. Just read that on Pintrest. My only question is why do I always feel that way?
Now to the meat of this blog, like where is romance for fat, bald, crippled women? It seems no matter how old you get you still want held and loved by someone who really cares about you. I read a Dear Abby today and there was an 83 year old wanting to know why she couldn’t find a man. Granted she wanted rich, too and that seemed to be her main priority, so I think she’s doomed to failure there. Rich men in their 80’s have 20 or 30 somethings on their arms. Even so, it’s always the same. I tried a couple of dating places back when I still looked human and there wasn’t much since most men wanted the young ones and didn’t bother with women their own age. Personally I think I should follow suit. Do you suppose there’s some young hot guy out there just craving some granny aged fat old bat? Somehow I’m doubting it. If I looked like Cher maybe, but then what do they do when the make up comes off? Mentally count her money, lol. I have concluded I will spend the rest of my life alone, but hey, my fault. We all make our own misery and then try to blame everything else, even fate because our life sucks.
I’ve done something to my youtube. It will download, but won’t play and have no sound. I’m going to restart in a few and see if it will re-set itself from whatever I did. I feel like typhoid Mary when I get on a computer. I’m bound to do something to make the thing sick before I get done.
And where is my rain?? I was supposed to get rain today through Tuesday. Dammit, I want my grey skies and rain gushing out. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I can’t get depressed enough to write. I need to get back to work on my poetry books again. I’ll put up a new book sometime this summer, probably after we move, assuming we get the house or even want it. There’s some problem with it.
Fucking internet just went kaput again. It’s been doing that a lot since we got the new router. Really irritating cos I don’t know which one to pull so will be off the computer until Chris gets back. Anyway, I think that signals reading time. I have finished the Tyler books and the new book is Mrs. Jefferies and the Missing Alibi.

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People equate age with wisdom, with the wealth of knowledge that comes from life lessons. Well, I’ve bumbled and fumbled my way through life for 61 years and I have to say I don’t think I’m any wiser than I was when I was a kid. The only life lessons I’ve learned haven’t made me better, they’ve made me cynical and untrusting. They’ve made me doubt there is any humanity left in the human race anymore. Our nation butchers people just to keep the military industrial complex in business. They pass legislation allowing big oil companies to murder the planet for profit. Nestle buys up precious water from African nations that already don’t have enough so preppy soccer moms can drink bottled water while Africans die. People in the so called “civilized” countries are the least civilized because they take from those who already have less with no concern for the people they harm. We look down the abyss leading into a nightmare world that our science fiction writers warned about, yet we seem hell bent on creating it anyway. Where is the intelligence in such a plan? And where is the humanity? Am I any better? No. Should I seek to be better? Yes. But I am also grateful my time on this planet is quickly coming to an end. I am sorry that my generation has decided to leave our children such a horrible life, because I see no turning from it. I fear for them and that is one thing my parents nor grandparents had to do for me. They left a good world behind.

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A Rose Upon Water

My “newest” book is actually a collection of romantic love poems written while in the youthful throes of my first real love, back when I thought forever meant forever and everything was thrilling. Back when my heart felt so full of mixed emotions I thought I would die. Youth is such a magic time, a time when everything is bigger, stronger and somehow more real. I hope everyone will enjoy reading them and maybe share one or two with their significant other for Valentine’s Day. Just be sure to credit me :)

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lost and forgotten

Why is it that every time I try to post something elsewhere unless I use FaceBook, my account can never be found and I look like an idiot? It just infuriates me. Okay wordpress was supposedly my fault cos I used the wrong name, but still. The fucking computer seems to put everything I do..and you too…in some jumbo ziplock file somewhere. Why can’t they help me out now and then and give me the right name?? All those Homeland Security and CIA spies probably sit there and have a big old funny laugh and then people wonder why I’m bitter.
Also why do people have to feel they need to be a big shot in every group they’re in. I got an e-mail today from an administrator in a group I’m in and she’s asking do you think I and my fellow administrators should get badges and should they be displayed on every post we put up. It pisses me. They’re only claim to fame is the owner picked the first few who joined to be admins. I’ve been an owner in groups, so what? I didn’t stamp a crown on each post of mine so people could stand in awe of me.
I guess I’m just in a bitchy mood (so what’s new according to my family). I’m just tired of living in a pit with a zombie. Actually he’s not even that, cos whereas he’s dead, he won’t do anything I tell him to. He won’t do what anyone tells him to but the little Nazi next door. She cracks her whip and he rises from his crypt bitching and screaming all the way, does what’s desired and then drifts back into the grave. God, I need a vacation. Somewhere in the past I think. Sitting in the graveyard, the wind blowing my hair and the leaves, writing poetry. I want to go sit in the shade with roses around, fields stretched out in front. My dreams don’t really matter a hell of a lot to anybody else and that’s my fault. I thought I’d grow old with someone. If I’d known this was it, maybe I would’ve tried harder to get out. As it is, I can’t go cos I have to take care of Chris and he makes no effort to get on his feet at all.
Well, I’ve had my bitch so back to work. It’s a damn good thing no one reads this but the government.
до свидания чиновник

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My Fantasy Circle Of Five

My Fantasy Circle Of Five

The awesome Page Adams tagged me on the Fantasy Circle of Five. Be sure to check out her five choices in a super multi-media blog!

The Rules:

1) List five fantasy characters you’d like to spend time with, and give a little info on why you chose them.

2) Pass it on! :)

Hmm Fantasy characters. I hate trying to do stuff like this cos my brain just goes blank. I guess my first choice would be Verchiel from the Amaranthine series by Jo Naylor. Why? Well, he’s hot, immortal, a vampire, fun, does unexpected things and deep down he’s really sweet. I think he’d wear me out after a while and he’d wander on looking for greener pastures (who are we kidding, he’d be looking for other pastures even before he got bored.)

Glorfindel from Tolkien, who was totally screwed out of the movies, his parts given to that nasty Arwen. Pooh. No way she could have held off the black riders or for that matter turn the water into horses and stuff. Everyone knows Gandalf and Elrond did that. She was typical woman, languishing and longing. But that’s off the subject. Glorfindel was from Gondolin and was a great hero who killed a Balrog. He was blonde and an elf and smoking.

Snape from Harry Potter. He’s so deliciously wicked and sarcastic. I’m sure he’d get on my case in no time, but in my fantasies he thinks I’m great enough he doesn’t care I’m a dope. I totally do not buy that stupid bit about him being in love with Lily Potter. Someone somewhere along the line would’ve mentioned her friendship to Harry. After all Lupin was trying to convince Harry to give Snape a chance. What would’ve been more natural than to say “your mother liked him”? Also his death was a crock. It was a waste as was Lupien’s. I think Rowling lost her mind writing that book.

Willy Wonka, especially if he looks like Johnny Depp.  He’s creepily fun and has all that candy. What more could you want? Oompa Loompas to wait on you. It’s win, win.



Robin Hood, the hottie from Sherwood Forest. To hell with Maid Marion, I’ll shove her down a well somewhere and pretend I haven’t seen her, lol. Robin can shoot an arrow in half with another arrow. He’s brave, kind and a fantastic warrior.


And a bonus, Peter Pan, every young girl’s dream. I’ve always wanted to live in Never Neverland. Pirates, Indians and lost boys, sounds like a blast to me. And Peter in my fantasy isn’t a child, I promise you.

Well, there’s the ones I could think of.

Anyone who wants, give it a try. Not expecting anyone to take the tag, but you never know.



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the echo in the forest

I’ve recently realized that if I died tonight, outside of my doctor who would lose money, no one would care but family (I consider Jean family) and if I left any last words here on the internet the only one who would read them would be Jo. I don’t think I am any worse off then a lot of people.  I have people I sort of talk to on FaceBook.  We share news and forwards and agree how damn awful the world is becoming and why can’t someone do something about it? Mind I didn’t join Occupy when it was flourishing either.  I sent lots of rah, rah stuff, but I didn’t go stand in the cold and demand my right to protest.  I didn’t get arrested. I didn’t do anything but talk.  Looking back on my life, that’s pretty much all I’ve ever done, write letters, sign petitions and talk. Maybe that does something somewhere, I don’t know.  I just know looking back I’m not too proud of my life. I have two great kids and they fill me with pride, but it’s not like I really had a lot to do with that.  I squeezed them out and gave them opportunities and they did the rest. I’m proud of what they are, but it’s their accomplishments. I write poetry a handful of people read, though I was shocked when I checked Smashwords and found I hadn’t put anything up since December of 2010. That’s all I’m proud of in my life and it’s really nothing. The last few years I feel lost.  I don’t remember a lot of it and I’m confused about what I do remember. It’s like some weird dream, you wake up and keep thinking there was something important there but you can’t remember what it was. I get so scared I’ll lose it all someday and I’d rather be dead then be a shell, some waste of flesh someone has to take care of.  I guess it will be what it is, but I sometimes think now is the time to start hoarding pills or something so I can take care of it when the time comes without involving other people.


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Shitzen crappen!

Today is sort of funky.  I had a total crisis this morning when I went to the bathroom. My sugars dropped down to the floor.  It was so weird, like I was trying to slide into unconsciousness and I couldn’t see and I was really scared.  Chris made me too glasses of sugar water (warm and yuck) and then gave me two pieces of bread which really helped and I went back to bed and then when I got up, my eyes were still weird for hours with big black blobs in them.  He got some gas from Chucky so he could get to the station and then got some pop and that finally got it all sorted, but I don’t want to ever do that again.  Of course that has kind of screwed my whole day or skewed or something.  I am depressed and wanting the past. I hate that because of course you can’t have the past, it’s gone. It’s the kind of day that would’ve found me under a table or in a closet a few years ago.  I miss small spaces sometimes. Everyone thinks I’m full of shit wanting a small house for me, but they don”t really know me.  I always dreamed of having a one room flat or house.  That’s what was where the in thing when I was growing up. I guess you always want what you thought was great back when you were a kid.

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Tomorrow I have to call a psychologist and try to set up appointment and it’s like, why? Why the fuck can’t people ever accept what I am? So I’m depressed, so I’m moody. Who the hell wants to be Mary Poppins? The world has enough of those bitches. All I hear is how I’m wrong or not good enough and it’s why? If I want to kill me but don’t and i want to paint the world black and I don’t, what’s the problem? Maybe I feel unloved cos no one ever says I do anything right, just what I do wrong. Okay, maybe Jo has a point. Maybe I haven’t been supportive enough to her and maybe I haven’t expressed my gratitude to her enough. Yeah she has been there for me and there were times when I was not for her. I was ill then. I don’t know. I look over my life and I should’ve been a better person. I did a lot of right things for all the wrong reasons. I don’t think I’ve ever given anything unselfishly. I think I’m going to die and go to hell and I don’t know how to change that. Especially now. I don’t drive and Chris won’t take me anywhere and Churches are such a waste of time. Most of them don’t really believe in God anymore and I’m too scared to leave the house anyway. I need to do something.

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Where is America??

What have we, as Americans, got to be so damn proud of?  We spend our resources and blood making war on the rest of the world, brainwashing our youth to believe they are serving their country when in truth they are serving big business.  We go to war to make money for them by opening up these places to our companies and by turning them into “Little Americas”, putting in governments that will do our bidding. We spend our tax money on rebuilding them and setting up an infrastructure superior to our own and in the end, when we finally leave after years, they revert to their own ways and settle everything with the blood bath we supposedly stayed to prevent.  Our country would be better served if our soldiers marched to Washington and throw the frauds and liars out.

We spend billions on hopeless, useless wars while in our own country many of our citizens live on the streets, sleeping under bridges and in abandoned buildings, eating out of dumpsters and being beset by authorities and fellow citizens alike.  In early 2007, the National Alliance to End Homelessness reported a point-in-time estimate of 744,313 people experiencing homelessness in January 2005, 39% of them being children.  In a period between  1991 and 1997 homeless more than doubled and is still rising with the current economic crisis and foreclosures.

Our constantly diminishing social programs are overloaded by healthy people who are on there simply because their parents were on it, while people who really need these services can’t get them.  Disability is one case in point.  There are people on it with “mental” problems who really have nothing wrong with them, they’re just too ignorant to be able to get a job, so the government shoves them on this program while people with serious disabilities are turned down.  Take the case of a man who lost both his eyeballs (not just his sight, but the actual eyeballs themselves) and was turned down because “it was a temporary condition.  There are thousands of stories of truly ill people who wait years trying to get, meanwhile they have no income and left with the charity of friends or family to sustain them.  If they have no support system, they are left to the streets and the dumpsters once again.

Another almost nonexistent program is health care.  There’s Medicaid if you can qualify and Medicare if you’re 65 but you have to pay a deductible, which if you’re on social security you can hardly afford.  Thousands of  lower (I’d add middle-class, but we all know they don’t exist in this country anymore) citizens struggle with devastating illnesses and they can’t afford health care or medications.  They can barely afford to survive, but they are left to drown in medical bills they can never pay while their conditions steadily worsen.  More than 50 million Americans are now without health insurance, according to a report from the Kaiser Foundation. Overall, nearly one in five nonelderly adults (19 percent) was uninsured in 2009.

Our education system was once a shining crown of success that other countries strove to duplicate.   According to the Broad Education Foundation America ranks  number 21st in  students graduating from high school.  In 1946 we ranked 1st. 70 percent of our eighth  graders are not proficient in reading and most of them will never catch up. Today, we have dropped to number 21 among industrial nations.  American students rank 25th in Math and 21st in science compared to 30 other industrialized nations.  While America spends more and more money on education we are losing more students. 1.1 million dropout every year while 2/3 of jobs require college now.  44% of dropouts are jobless.

We keep our jails and prisons well stocked.  In crime  the only countries the US has a lower crime rate than is Russia, Venezuela, Jamaica, and Columbia.  In the civilized world the US has a rate of 5.4, the next highest being Canada at 1.9.  We have the highest rate of incarceration in the world, with even China being a second to the US. As of 2006, a record 7 million people were behind bars, on probation or on parole. The United States has 5% of the world population and 25% of the world’s incarcerated population. And before anyone thinks I am touting gun control — I’m not.  We’ve always had guns but not a crime rate like this.  What’s lacking is respect, honor and discipline.  Our youth have been ignored, undisciplined and allowed to run wild because we have insanely allowed  psychiatrists to become our “experts” in raising our children.  It’s a backlash from child abuse gone amok.   Nothing, including abortion, has ended child abuse.  In fact it’s risen as spoiled, self-centered children now become parents.

Our own government spies on us, tracks us on cell phones, they  have the right to go through our library lists to see what we read, they can search our homes without a warrant, even if we’re not home.  They can park in the street with vans and track what we say and even where we are in our homes with heat sensors and special microphones.  They have spy satellites trained on our cities that can follow individuals; they can track what we look for on our computers and what we buy from store records.  Think they’re only doing this to criminals?  Think again.

This country is run by corporations and special interests who make our policies by buying our politicians, body soul and vote.  These are the same businesses whose CEOs make billions every year while moving their jobs to foreign nations where they can pay their employees 50 cents an hour.  Our cities crumble, our leaders are corrupt, our system is run on greed and our so called “Christian” nation has a heart of stone.  So next time you wave those stars and stripes  or recite the pledge of allegiance, give some thought to what you are saluting.  It sure as hell isn’t the country your forefather’s fought for.  It isn’t the country you were promised as a kid and grew up believing in.  I don’t know where we are, but it isn’t America.

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